Are you comfortable talking about your divorce?
A man who completely avoids the topic or
shows “significant discomfort” talking about his divorce may still be
emotionally invested or, at the very least, has some serious tension
about the topic, Cilona says. And that’s a red flag. It shows that he
has an unhealthy connection to his previous marriage and/or spouse,
which could be trouble for your future.
Do you want to get married again?
You might assume that since he’s been
married before, he wouldn’t have any issues hitching up again, but as
Durvasula points out, that’s not always the case. “Some may not want to
get married again
after experiencing it once,” she says. It’s important to determine
where your guy stands on the issue, and how it aligns with where you see
your future going.
Do you believe that you can spend your life with someone?
Even if neither of you is interested in
marriage, it’s a good idea to find out whether he thinks two people can
be together for the long haul—ring or no ring.
Think: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. He may not want to legally commit
again, but could be completely open to the idea of a forever-commitment
or living together. “Plenty of divorced folks believe in love and
commitment as much as anyone,” Durvasula says. If your guy no longer
thinks that two people can be in a loving, committed relationship,
that’s a red flag.
Did you want the divorce?
According to Stanford University
research, 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women. And, while
your guy may not have initiated the divorce, it’s good to find out if he
wanted it. “You want to suss out that he is not still pining for his
old life,” Durvasula says. “You also want to find out if he is still
holding a torch for his ex.” Granted, it’s possible he didn’t want the
divorce but he’s since moved on. However, his answer to the question can
provide clues as to whether that’s the case.
How do you feel about your ex?
Not everyone can speak highly about their ex (kudos to Jennifer Garner
and Ben Affleck), but if he’s super bitter or angry about her, that
could be a sign that he’s still emotionally invested in the
relationship, Durvasula says.
Other bad signs: Your guy puts the blame
for the demise of his marriage on his ex, or says he’s learned gross
generalized lessons about women or marriage based on his experience,
Cilona says. “No matter what the situation, each partner has
accountability and contributes in some ways to the relationship and
dissolution of the marriage,” he points out.
Above all, keep this in mind: Divorce
can be a very healthy thing. “Staying in a broken relationship is not
honorable, and many people grow from them,” Durvasula says. “But you do
need to ask these questions to decide if you would be OK with being
spouse number two if it came down to that.”
Credit: womenshealthmag
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